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| September 2009 |  |
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 anners
are still important, even in our fast-paced, fast-changing society—and
despite what you might assume from watching more than a few minutes
of “reality TV.” Good manners do, in fact, help us get along better with each other and make the world both a nicer place and a more predictable one. Although teaching manners may seem like a daunting process to parents these days, we do ourselves and our kids a favor by sticking with it. Children actually feel more confident if they know how to act at the playground, riding in a car, at a friend’s dinner table, or any place. Kids with good manners are more likeable to other children and adults as well. And, as most adults have discovered, if you don’t learn certain things at home as a child, you have to learn them later. You have probably heard about the increasing number of etiquette consultants hired to help company employees improve their manners. Help children see why manners are important Kids need to understand why they’re doing something. After all, there’s no one set of rules that applies to every person and every situation.
When to start teaching Manners don’t apply to infants and toddlers in the “me” and “mine” stage, when they’re just developing their own sense of identity. But you can make a small beginning when your toddler grabs an older sibling’s blocks by gently introducing the notion of taking turns. At 18 months, most kids can manage a spoon and fork but not a long dinner. Toddlers can learn to say please and thank you, but why start teaching manners at such an early age? “One reason is that you hope some of them will become automatic—and they actually do,” says one mom. As kids reach preschool, they start to develop empathy—the capacity to put themselves in someone else’s place. You can encourage this by being very direct. If Jake pushes Conner off the swing, you can say, “Conner doesn’t like it when you do that. It makes him angry. It would make you angry if he pushed you.” You can take a positive approach too. “That was nice of you to let Emma play with your doll.” By age five or six, a child should be able to greet people politely and say “thank you” after a visit. School-age children Children in the early grades like to follow rules and have an inner motivation to master new skills. This is a good time to convey basic points of social interaction such as acknowledging a compliment gracefully or shaking hands and saying, “It’s nice to meet you.” However, school-age kids often enjoy acting “gross” among their peers. Parents may need to intervene sometimes but, for the most part, it’s better not to make an issue of this kind of behavior. Here are some other tips on teaching manners. Keep developmental levels in mind. The concept of rudeness is lost on young children. If your three-year-old sticks out his tongue at you, it won’t help to say, “That’s not polite.” Try instead: “When you stick out your tongue at people, it makes them feel bad.” Give explanations. When you ask a child to stop bouncing a ball on the wooden floor in your apartment, go on to explain: “The neighbors downstairs don’t like it because your ball makes so much noise. You can bounce your ball outside, not inside.” Take a problem-solving approach. If you hear your child tell a friend, “I don’t want to play with you,” you might ask later: “How would you feel if someone said that to you?” Talk to your child about how to say this in a way that doesn’t hurt the other child’s feelings. Use role playing. Switching places can be a lively way of getting your message across. Try playing restaurant. Let your child be the waiter and you can be the diner who first illustrates bad manners by being rude to the waiter, then changes to good manners and thanks the waiter for such courteous service.  |
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