Work & Family Life | Front Page Feature

Becoming the parents we mean to be

It looks like one of those magical days when everything is going right with the twins and their parents.

By Richard Weissbourd, Ed.D.

ave we all become “dimpies”—a new name for “doting, indulgent, modern parents?” Much of what is commonly called indulgence is absolutely harmless to children, and some of it is even good. Parents are not indulging their children, for example, when they listen to their ideas, respect their opinions and give them input into decisions affecting their lives.

On the other hand, when we get in the habit of doing endless small things to make our children’s lives easier—when we clean up after them, drive them places they could walk to, fill out applications for teenagers, or jump in to solve problems with peers, teachers or coaches—we run the risk of making our children more fragile, “entitled” and self-absorbed.

Going overboard to make kids happy

Parenting trends that are meant to make our children happy are fine in moderation, but they can easily become excessive. For example, I’m seeing parents who repeatedly ask their children how they are feeling or constantly remark on a child’s mood: “You must be feeling tired” or “That must be frustrating for you” or “That must make you sad.”

It is heartening these days to see so many parents who are concerned about the capacity of their children, especially boys, to identify and express their feelings. This is a positive change from previous generations.

Such constant monitoring, however, can make a child’s momentary feelings too important. To a child, it can even feel irritating and intrusive—like removing a bandage from a wound every few minutes to see if it’s healing or pulling up a plant to check on how it’s growing.

I also meet parents who, in the name of protecting a child’s long-term happiness, treat each and every feeling as if it is on trial for its life. They worry that any insult or perceived betrayal may damage the child’s ability to trust or even destroy her or his self-esteem.

This underestimates a child’s capacity for resilience. In addition, when we continually monitor and overdramatize kids’ feelings, they can get too involved in their own “inner theaters.” They lose sight of the needs and wants of the other people around them.

“You stuck with your practice sessions, and all that hard work shows.”

It matters how we praise

Praising children in the service of happiness and self-esteem has important benefits but it can also become excessive. Children thrive on praise when it is sincere and connected to specific accomplishments, but they know when they’ve truly accomplished something. Too much praise connected to tiny achievements can make them wonder why adults need to always prop them up.

Children who are praised too much also feel continually judged. Research by Carol Dweck, Ph.D., suggests that overly praised kids become more conscious of their image, more competitive and more prone to cut others down. And too much praise can hook kids on it: they require higher and higher doses of compliments and feel like there’s something wrong when they aren’t being bombarded by kudos.

How does morality fit in?

Of course, there’s nothing wrong with caring about our children’s happiness. But making it so central an issue can be harmful to a child’s moral development. If we focus more on empathy and encourage kids to tune in to the needs of others, they are more likely to be both happy and moral.

The relationship between happiness and morality is complicated, to be sure. Self-centered, unethical people can have high self-esteem and be quite happy, at least for a time. But when parents place children’s happiness above their awareness of others, kids do not develop the social and moral skills they need in order to sustain long-term healthy relationships. As a result, they will be unprepared for the “other-centeredness” that is basic to being a good spouse, parent, friend or mentor.

Certain attributes are central to both happiness and many types of moral action—attributes that I believe should be the focus of our parenting. In important respects, we do not have to choose between morality and happiness. Here are some strategies for raising children who are happy and moral.

Express your values. Instead of reflexively telling a child over and over that “we just want you to be happy,” we need to explicitly value kindness. Instead, you might say, “The most important thing is that you are kind and that you are responsible for others.”

Teach appreciation. Don’t allow children to treat store clerks, waitresses or babysitters as if they are invisible. Don’t let your child quit a sports team or a school chorus without thinking carefully with them about what it means for the group. Don’t let your child simply “write off” a friend he or she finds annoying or fail to return phone calls or not give other children credit for their achievements. Expect your child to help around the house and also to be helpful to neighbors.

Expect appreciation. Children learn to appreciate, in part at least, by appreciating their parents. Your child’s relationship with you is a primary model for other relationships. This doesn’t mean making yourself the focus of everything. It means not allowing your child to treat you like a doormat. It means expecting your child to show some interest in the major events in your life, to thank you for your generosity, and to be mindful of the potential burdens that you may incur. For example, an 18-year-old college student needs to consider the legal risks he is creating for his parents if he throws a party and allows a guest to bring alcohol.

Broaden your focus. Instead of focusing narrowly on your child’s happiness and self-esteem, support his or her developing maturity. Maturity involves the ability to manage destructive feelings, balance and coordinate our needs with the needs of others, empathize, receive feedback constructively, be reflective and adjust our behavior when it is appropriate. These qualities are key to both healthy relationships and ethical behavior.

Find a healthy balance. While it’s important to help children understand and articulate their feelings, be wary of pointing out a child’s feelings too frequently or drawing a lot of attention to a passing emotional state.

Be specific in your praise. Give children sincere praise for specific accomplishments and only occasionally tell them how “great” they are. Too much global praise (saying over and over “you’re terrific”) can make children feel that their essential value is on the line in everything they do. This leads them to inflate their own importance, taking either too much credit or too much blame when something happens.

Foster moral development. Morality is comprised of attributes such as courage, honesty and a sense of fairness. We can promote these attributes in many ways: (a) by modeling them, (b) by listening carefully to your child’s moral questions and dilemmas without quickly judging, (c) by expressing your own values and connecting those values to your child’s experiences and interpretations, and (d) by helping your child to see and register kindness and unkindness, justice and injustice in the world.

Don’t try to be your child’s friend. You can be very close to your child in many ways, but it’s vital that children experience you as an authority—that they idealize you at certain points in their development and that they see you as a role model.

Invite feedback about your parenting. Ideally, when your first child is born, or sometime later, develop a “contract” with at least two other people you are close to and whose wisdom you respect. This contract is a promise that they will tell you if they think you are harming your child’s moral or emotional development in any way.

—Adapted from the author’s new book The Parents We Mean to Be (Houghton Mifflin Harcourt). See We Recommend

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