History & Mission  |   Why Subscribe   |   How to Subscribe   |   Special Offer Sample Issues   |   Examples of Topics Covered   |   Home June 2008  Staying close after your friends have children Getting to know your best friend’s kids can be a lot of fun. t’s never easy to stay close to your long-time friends after they start raising children. Raising kids is an all-consuming experience. New parents feel stressed for longer than you might imagine. And if you are the single friend without a child, that can be difficult too. “I was so anxious to have a baby myself,” says Terri, “it was hard to go to baby showers and deal with friends who had everything I wanted.” Says Linda: “Jan and I were best friends growing up and all she can do now is talk about her child. It’s like we have no history and she has no life outside her new baby.” “Chris and I used to watch sports and talk about politics,” says Brad. “Now he is just so into his kids—which is great for them, but I don’t find toilet training that interesting.” Friendships need to evolve After a new baby comes into the picture, some old friends just seem to slip away—as if the relationship was too hard to keep going. “Before Alex was born, Sasha and I talked a lot on the phone,” says Kelly. “Then one night she fell asleep while I was trying to tell her about something that happened in my life. Whenever I called her after that, it seemed like she was always tired or doing something else. So I gave up trying.” It doesn’t need to be that way. Friendships can evolve and deepen after a child is born. Long-time friends can fall in love with a new baby. They can be as excited as a parent about all the new things that happen—baby’s first smiles, first words, first steps. Learn to go with the flow Another scenario is for new parents to move long-time friends temporarily to the backburner. But, whatever role you may have—as the old friend or new parent—there are ways to keep your relationship alive and growing. Here are some suggestions: Time for friends is scarce for singles too Working parents are not the only people who find it hard to make time for their friends. Time is a scarce commodity for single people too. “I miss spending time with friends,” says Mary, “but right now that seems like a luxury I can’t afford.” Spending time with friends can be an escape from work and family pressures—a mini-vacation from the daily grind. After all, with close friends we can simply be ourselves—not an employee or student or family member with a defined role. Unlike coworkers and family members, we get to choose our friends. They are the people with whom we feel at ease talking about our jobs, our families and our problems too. And when something great happens, often the first person we want to tell is a friend. Friends are the people with whom we have shared interests, shared perspectives and, often, shared histories—like the friend who remembers the teacher who threatened to flunk the whole class...or was at the beach house your parents rented for a week one summer. Most of us can manage to find the time to do anything—but not everything—we want to do. So seeing a friend has to be a conscious choice. First, we have to decide that friends are important enough to us to make room for them in our lives. Like gardens, friendships need to be tended in order to survive and grow. Accept the inevitable. Having children changes everything for parents, from the moment they wake up in the morning to the time they go to bed at night. Friends without kids need to understand and accept this reality. If you just sat through a lengthy discourse on teething or the terrible twos, it’s okay to try to change the subject. But if the conversation slips back (and it probably will), have a sense of humor. Look at it this way: your old friend is a new mom or dad, and that is a powerful role for you to observe and enjoy. Change old patterns. Maybe you used to hang out at your friend’s house, but now her children don’t give you time to be alone or even to talk. Or maybe you and your pal used to play basketball after work, but now he rushes home. Think about ways to change the old patterns of your friendship. For example, a lunch or weekend visit might work better. Be creative on weekends. If your friend becomes a fulltime child caregiver on weekends, accept the fact that she or he will have less time to socialize with you. Think of activities you can do together with kids. Go to the park or the zoo. Or buy some time for your busy friend by offering to take care of her child on Saturday afternoon so she can run errands. Then the two of you can watch a movie together in the evening. Give kids a chance. Many people have become adults without ever having had the experience of caring for a child or even of holding a newborn baby. They are often surprised to discover how much fun it is to be with kids. Children are imaginative and playful and, when you spend time with them, they can help you see the familiar in new and different ways. Hanging out with kids can bring out the child in you and make you laugh. And the very best way to stay connected to new parents is to get to know and love their child. Be innovative. Let virtual forms of communication work for you—email, text messages, a cell phone call while you’re both on the go or when a toddler is napping. Shared photos of your friends, their kids and everybody’s pets can be fun too. Front Page Feature | Interchange | Research Review | Elder Issues | Parenting On the Job | We Recommend | A Healthy You | Home

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