Work & Family Life | Front Page Feature

Understanding the world of boys from 8 to 10

Mastering new skills is a big part of a boy's development in these years.

By Michael Thompson, Ph.D.

f you are the parents of an 8- to 10-year-old boy, you’re likely to hear proud bulletins from your son about his accomplishments. At 7, he may have been full of complaints about school and its rules, along with wishful thinking that you could intervene and change things for him. But between 8 and 10, he is trying to become master of his world—and he wants you to know it.

Erik Erikson described children between 8 and 10 as “purposeful, proud and persevering.” For a boy, specifically, that captures the energy so characteristic of his passage from the little boy of early elementary school to the self-assured older boy.

Your son is becoming the master of many small, complex universes filled with a seemingly infinite number of characters, many of whose names you may never know such as Uu-Gi-Oh monsters, for example. Whether it’s a game, hobby or interest, these passions take effort and focus, and boys feel strongly about them.

Where their stoicism comes from

At this age, your son’s identity is based on his outwardly emerging self and on his love for, and loyalty to, his family. When things are good at school and at home, his confidence in himself and life can run high. If he is struggling at school or his parents are fighting, this can be deeply disturbing to him and can make him feel “inferior.” He is likely to combat these feelings by becoming stoic. He doesn’t want to let on that he has worries because—if he were to admit that—his identity in his world might unravel, or so he feels.

Campers plan their strategy for a treasure hunt.

Bear in mind that stoicism isn’t always imposed on boys, it’s something they invent for themselves in order to feel proud and grown-up. It is always part of independence. The willingness to get through something “on your own” involves a bit of stoicism and, like The Little Engine That Could, you can almost hear boys saying to themselves “I can do it, I can do it.”

Parents’ role has changed

Depending on a boy’s level of skill, he may encounter a little or a lot of frustration in school, on a team, with friends or in mastering the technological demands of his age such as computer and video games. If a boy experiences too much frustration at any age, his sense of himself may be damaged. Frustration can lead to anger—and chronic frustration can make a boy very angry.

It is easier to protect a younger boy from his potential failures. But at this age, parents are often left to stand on the sidelines and watch their son struggle. They are either unable to intervene and make a difference or rightly wary of robbing a boy of the important experience of resolving things for himself.

Pathologizing boys

It can be painful indeed for the parents of a son who is frustrated and angry—especially if he is playing out his anger and competitiveness at school. Too often, boys are diagnosed as having “oppositional defiant disorder” (ODD), which the eminent child psychiatrist Edward Hallowell, M.D., describes as a “grab-bag diagnosis,” vague and almost impossible to define. He sees this as the pathologizing of boyhood by mental health professionals.

Many 8- to 10-year-old boys who are restless, have a low-frustration tolerance and are unable to stick with school projects are diagnosed with ADD or ADHD—and this is a huge topic that cannot be briefly summarized. I would simply make this caution: 80 percent of the stimulant medication prescribed in the world for ADHD is prescribed to American boys. So either we have an excess of wild, restless boys, or we don’t know how to raise them, or our schools are driving them crazy or we have no tolerance for their natural physical restlessness.

If you’re the Mom...

Many 8- to 10-year-old boys don’t communicate a lot with their Moms, at least not in long sentences.

HERE’S WHY: they think you know pretty much everything about them already—and if you don’t know it immediately, you’ll figure it out very soon. Your son thinks you can read his mind, but that’s not true of his child-care providers and teachers. He can’t take for granted that they will understand him, so he’s more likely to fill them in.

Boys pretend they don’t need their mothers because it makes then feel more grown-up and strong. That doesn’t fool anyone and it shouldn’t fool you. He needs you more than he can ever say. He needs you to hold him when he collapses and cries, even if he can’t tell you why he is so frustrated and angry.

Just sit with him and say, “Honey, I know this hurts you. I don’t understand what you are so angry about, but I’ll sit here till you feel better.”

While many caring people out there want to do the right thing, the over-aggressive diagnoses of boys becomes destructive in the way it shapes our view of them and their view of themselves, not to mention the possible side effects of medication. At some point, this over-diagnosis threatens to keep us from seeing the benefits to boys of adventure, creativity and risk-taking. And if we label so much of a boy’s life as “illness,” how can he see himself as healthy?

Gender differences

Many 3rd-, 4th- and 5th-grade boys continue to struggle with reading and writing. This is a national problem. We seem to have more trouble teaching boys to read than girls, though it should be noted that we’re talking about averages—there have been and always will be strong boy readers and weak girl readers.

A number of theories have explained why girls do better than boys in reading and writing. Critics of school culture, for example, say there’s a poor fit between school expectations and the arc of boy development, and some say that women teachers cannot accept boys as they are. University of New Hampshire English professor Thomas Newkirk suggests that boys dislike silent reading because they find it hard to sit still, it cuts them off from interaction with the world and, often, they’re not allowed to read what they want or write about what interests them. And the fact that girls seem to do it more easily makes it a “girl” thing.

Dr. Newkirk says we should give boys more choices about what they read and invite them to write the kind of stories they love: science fiction, adventure, humor and “gross” stuff too. And, yes, we need to let them write stories that contain some violence because it’s part of the culture, language and fantasy life of boys—and that’s what they are talking to each other about.

TV and video games

If boys are not reading, what are they doing? Chances are, they’re watching TV, playing video games, surfing the Web, or texting their friends. This is a cultural tide of tremendous power. Here’s some research to keep in mind.

EXCESSIVE TV WATCHING can affect a child’s ability to sustain attention and have a negative impact on academic performance as well as health. And it’s harder to control if the TV set is in a boy’s bedroom. Studies have also found a connection between excessive TV viewing, especially programs with violent or malevolent images, and the propensity for violence.

WHILE MANY VIDEO and computer games are imaginative and creative, there’s some evidence that violent video games depress a boy’s mood and make it more likely that he will get into a fight with another boy. This is more problematic with older boys, but it’s important to address the issue with 8- to 10-year-olds—because boys start pressuring their parents to allow them to play video games early in elementary school. And once your son starts playing these games in earnest, he’ll undoubtedly want to continue.

Organized sports

Boys from 8 to 10 are often motivated to join sports’ teams, which are a social hub in many communities. Organized sports offer many benefits for a boy’s health. They provide an outlet for his high-activity level and a place to be with friends while supervised by adults. Boys who are not well-coordinated may risk humiliation, however. And some boys “burn out” prematurely because of an excessive emphasis on winning, an over-ambitious coach or hyper-involved parents.

You may want to help your son avoid competitive sports if he gives you cues that he is not interested. There are other ways to be physically active such as bike-riding, hiking and swimming.

Remember that the average American boy stops playing these sports at age 11, saying “it’s no fun anymore.” But if your child is having fun, so should you. Cheer for his team. Do not criticize his play or become emotionally wound up in it. A good rule of thumb is to be sure your son’s love for his sport is always a bit greater than yours.

—From the author’s new book It’s a Boy! Understanding Your Son’s Development from Birth to Age 18 (see We Recommend).

www.workandfamilylife.com