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| February 2009 |  |
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t’s no surprise that one of the most difficult parenting issues today is
the problem of setting limits on kids’ behavior and privileges. This may
sound like an old story, but it is different from the way it used to be. With the Greatest Generation, for example, the force of children rebelling was met with the equally determined voice of adults who were backed up by the neighborhood, kinship systems, churches and community groups around them. Now, parents feel as if they are up against a powerful “second family” made up of their kids’ peers and the entire pop culture. Kids need and want limits It’s true that children who are part of what I call the “free-est generation” often feel free to ignore, free to speak their minds and free to talk their way out of consequences imposed by their parents. But the hundreds of kids and teens I’ve interviewed all repeated over and over that they very much want their parents to set limits. How could this be when freedom is such a staple in their lives? Because kids need the security of the “family envelope” around them in order for their best selves to feel safe enough to emerge. When they do not feel this protective envelope, they drift to their “second family” for the boundaries, rules, bonding rituals and comfort. This, after all, is what a peer group is all about. Our children yearn for us to create a safe envelope for them, but they don’t want it in the dictatorial manner previous generations tended to use. Here are some effective ways of enforcing limits that won’t cause family warfare or make you feel like a tyrant.  Curbing
freedom of speech at home. Many post-boomer parents
allow kids to say whatever comes to mind. Some believe that their
children’s clever facility with arguments will help them succeed
in a competitive world. Others are concerned that if they don’t
allow their kids to express themselves, they’ll be cut out of
the communication loop.But a child’s freedom of speech must have bounds, especially toward his or her parents. Demanding a degree of respect from kids of all ages protects your child’s emotional well-being. It’s not an old-fashioned idea. Learning that you have feelings and that certain lines are not to be crossed gives children a blueprint of interpersonal wisdom. You can hear it and feel it when kids cross the respect line. The key is to name what has just been said—right away—as wrong or unacceptable. Kids need to know the impact of what they say. So be clear. “When you said ‘get out of my face,’ it hurt my feelings, especially since I was trying to do something for you.” Or: “Calling me a name like that may be fine on TV, but it’s completely unacceptable here.” Just
say yes to setting a limit. We’ve all been told
that consequences should be compassionate, creative and fit the crime.
But, in truth, we need to keep one key question in mind: Is the consequence
enforceable? An important step in coming up with realistic consequences, as many parents have told me, is to slow down the action. Stop for a moment to think whom a consequence will hurt more, you or your child. Take a few deep breaths or walk away from your child to give you time to reflect. Reduce your immediate threat by half before it leaves your lips. Don’t be afraid to replace an impulsive consequence for another, enforceable one. Children learn more about the process of responsible reflection than they are damaged by inconsistency. Calmed
down? Now teach! Consequences aren’t always about
punishment but about opening up a possibility to teach values. So,
after the transgression (10 minutes or a few hours later, when everyone
is calmer) is the time for you to get across the message you’d
like to communicate. Briefly review what happened, what words or actions crossed the lines of acceptability and ask this question: How can we do it differently next time? You’ll be amazed at the creative solutions kids will come up with. For example, after a Dad exploded at two siblings fighting in a car, the children suggested changing their seating arrangements every few hours depending on how much they were getting on each other’s nerves. This kind of active problem solving is helpful to family functioning and great for character building as well. It can be used even with very young children to strengthen their skills at solving interpersonal situations and learning to think before acting. Reward
genuine effort. Focus on when your kids are doing right,
not just when they’re doing wrong. Parents often take for granted
those character-building behaviors they most want their children to
learn, and they rarely mention moments of good behavior such as sharing
with a sibling, being kind to an older person or politeness toward
a parent’s friend.Help your child recognize when he or she is behaving according to expectations. Honest, kindly delivered feedback will demonstrate that you are authentically engaged with your children and that you can perceive when they’re really putting an effort in and when they’re not. Resist the urge to praise automatically (for example, saying “good job” constantly). Praise kids for their efforts and only when you really mean it. Always remember: praise small, praise quick, praise genuinely. 
—This article, a continuation of one in the January issue, is also adapted from Dr. Taffel’s new book “Childhood Unbound—Saving Our Kids’ Best Selves: Confident Parenting in a World of Change” (Free Press). |
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