December 2006  As aging parents start needing us more   Old photographs can help bring back fond memories. By Stella Mora Henry, R.N., with Ann Convery inger and Max arrived from the airport to meet their sister, Linda, at my office in an assisted living facility. Their father had died unexpectedly, leaving their 88-year-old mother alone in a large house. “We’re not prepared to leave Mom on her own,” Linda began. “Ginger and I feel it’s time for her to sell the house. We think assisted living would be perfect for her.” As they spoke, I began to suspect that their mother had not been consulted. I asked if this was so. “That’s why we came to talk with you,” Ginger said. “After we see a few facilities, we’re going to talk with Mom.” I appreciated their sense of urgency. As adult children, especially those who live far away, it’s natural to want get things settled. But the rush-to-fix attitude makes older people feel like they have no control over their lives. As long as your parents are competent, these are their decisions to make—and helping them to maintain some control will strengthen their independence and, in the long run, benefit you as well. Difficult transition for both generations As adult children, we often feel overwhelmed by the enormous changes that occur in our lives—and so do our parents. We may feel sad and anxious about the future. So do our parents. We feel unprepared for the role of caregiver, and they fear losing their independence. Our parents’ aging mirrors our own. If we can recognize that we and they are going through a similar process, the feelings we share can strengthen our bond. Try to see it from their point of view. Our parents are used to seeing themselves as caregivers and decision makers. As they get older, perhaps for the first time, they need to rely on us to carry out their life decisions. Even more disconcerting, they may have to leave the home they have lived in for decades. Many of us are taken aback by our parents’ growing frailty. We may feel trapped by our new responsibilities as family caregivers. Higher education and professional experience are no buffer for these circumstances. We can’t fully understand until it happens to us. Learning to use ‘I’ statements When we address our parents using “you” statements, it sets them up to argue. Try “I” statements instead. I have repeatedly seen “I” statements produce a win/win situation. Adult children are able to help their parents without disempowering them. Parents feel more control making their own decisions. Expressing one’s own feelings of concern allows your parents to see that they are doing something for you. Here are a few examples: “Dad, if I’m not involved in your health-care plans, I’m afraid I’ll be left alone to figure it out if you ever get sick.” “Mom, I’m worried that you haven’t seen the doctor about your shortness of breath.” “Dad, I feel unsettled that I’m not up to date on your finances. I wouldn’t know how to manage if you had to go to the hospital.” “Mom, I’d feel a lot better if you’d let me do this for you.” “Dad, I’m concerned something will happen to you if you drive.” —S.M.H. Understanding our parents’ fears To understand what our parents are going through, I asked some older people to share with me their greatest fears. Here’s what they said: Fear, not of dying itself, but of the process of dying Fear of illness and pain Fear of being a burden, physically or financially Fear of being abandoned and alone Fear of “losing my mind” Fear of losing independence Fear of being forgotten Time to begin a dialogue None of us expects to become the decision maker for our parents or to care for them when they grow frail. Having our parents depend on us is new. When this starts to happen, it can be a complex and awkward adjustment. Although we may always feel like their child, the burden of parent-like responsibility and decision making are gradually transferred to us—hopefully with our parents’ consent. Regardless of how sensitive and thoughtful we may be, this process rarely goes smoothly. Therefore, as soon as possible, begin a dialogue with your parents and share with them your own concerns. They may not want your help now, but as their health and abilities decline, they will need it. Talking it over ahead of time will take some pressure off the eventual process of transferring responsibilities and make it more comfortable. —Adapted from The Eldercare Handbook: Difficult Choices, Compassionate Solutions (Collins). See www.harpercollins.com. Front Page Feature | Interchange | Research Review | Elder Issues | Parenting On the Job | We Recommend | A Healthy You | Home