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| March 2009 |  |
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oes your job—or your spouse’s—involve travel? For
a growing number of parents, when Dad goes away, Mom is also away
all day on her job. Or when Mom takes a business trip, Dad carries
on at home without her. Guilt comes with the territory Making sure all the pieces fit while you’re away takes a lot of planning before you leave and a lot of checking while you’re away. But even the most organized parents experience guilt when they travel—over missing a birthday or a soccer game or leaving kids in the care of someone new. If the trip is part of your job, giving in to guilty feelings is unproductive. One way to cope is to make the distinction between feeling “bad” or “sad” and feeling guilty. Look at the situation as a problem to be solved: Who else might go to your 8-year-old’s soccer game and take pictures or make a video for you to watch with your child when you return? Age makes a big difference in how children respond to parents’ traveling. A 5-year-old might give you a hard time while a 14-year-old may be thrilled to have you away for a few days. But, whatever the age of your child, try not to communicate ambivalence about going away. This makes it harder for kids to separate from you and gives them a signal to push your “guilty button.” Here are some tips for making your business travels easier on everyone. Before you leave TODDLERS. Since toddlers don’t understand “yesterday,” “today” or “next week,” it’s best to wait until the night before to say you’re going. Do it with a minimum of fuss. Say, for example: “When I’m away I’ll talk to you every day, just before your bath.” PRESCHOOLERS. Tell your child about your trip a week or so before you go so he or she can digest the idea and ask questions. Talk about leaving and returning in terms of your child’s schedule: “While Daddy is giving you breakfast, I’ll be taking the train to Washington.” SCHOOL-AGE CHILDREN. Say where you’re going and how long you’ll be away when you know your plans. Look up your destination on a map together and leave time to plan for homework assignments or activities that will take place while you’re away. Be aware that kids may worry about your safety. Share details about who will be with you, where you’ll stay and how you’ll keep in touch. While you are away TODDLERS. Call at the same time every day but don’t be surprised if your child doesn’t want to talk to you. Just let her or him hear your voice and know that you’re okay. Keep up your goodbye rituals: “See you later alligator” or “Good night, sleep tight, I love you.” PRESCHOOLERS. If you can, talk to the other adult in the house first to find out if anything special has happened since you called last: Did he get to the top of the jungle gym? Have a play date with her friend? Asking your child about an event rather than just “How are you?” is more likely to elicit a fuller response than “Fine.” Don’t be upset if your child cries or expresses sadness that you are away. These phone calls are difficult for them too and kids should feel free to tell you how they really feel. SCHOOL-AGE CHILDREN. Kids this age are easier to converse with since you’re likely to know about their homework or other projects. Parents may even feel relieved when conversations are relatively brief. As one Mom put it: “When my 8- year-old won’t stop talking, he’s usually upset or something is wrong.” When you come home TODDLERS. Expect some anger from younger children—though they may or may not express it directly. If your toddler won’t talk to you at first, don’t be upset. Try to help kids put their feelings into words. PRESCHOOLERS. They may be clingy or start testing your limits. For a smooth transition, help them make a picture or a “welcome home” sign for the door. This will also encourage caring, thoughtful behavior. SCHOOL-AGE CHILDREN. They’re more likely to be “cool” when you return and make very little fuss. If they want to talk about what they did while you were gone—or ask about your trip—fine. Don’t push it. For children of all ages LEAVE NOTES ON PILLOWS, in lunch boxes or backpacks: “Good luck in the game” or “I’ll see you Thursday. Love you...” HAVE A CALENDAR in the kitchen to mark off days before your return. SEND E-MAIL, text messages, pictures, phone messages and faxes. WHEN YOU CALL HOME and your spouse complains or tells you a horror story, do not offer advice. Just provide a sympathetic ear. BRING HOME SMALL GOODIES like soap or jam or other souvenirs. Buying a gift may reduce your guilt but won’t make up for your absence and it will overemphasize material objects as a sign of your love. MOVE SLOWLY BACK into the home situation. Don’t criticize things that happened when you were away. Thank the person who stayed home with the kids. RECONNECT WITH EACH CHILD SEPARATELY. Spend special time together. Also, do something fun with the whole family.  |
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