March 2009  ‘I know we’ve met, but I’m so bad with names…’ Men and women today reach out to shake hands at the same time. Gender and age distinctions are less important now. By Anne Baber and Lynne Waymon e’ve all had the experience of seeing a familiar face across the room and then drawing a complete blank when it comes to remembering the person’s name. Sometimes it’s embarrassing but understandable: I knew Joe from the gym and didn’t expect to see him here at the PTA meeting. At work, however, we are expected to remember the names of our new team members, someone we’ve met at a meeting or conference and the new hires in a department we work with often. Why is it so difficult? Usually someone sticks out a hand and says, for example: “Hi, I’m Jennifer Allsgood.” Shaking her hand, the other person responds, “Bob Shafer. Nice to meet you.” The average name-exchange takes less than five seconds. No wonder we can’t remember. Slow down a bit. Linger a little longer over the exchange—and avoid the head-on name collision. That is, when someone says his or her name, do not immediately reply with your own. Focus initially on learning the other person’s name. You can accomplish this by doing three very simple things. If you try them, you will find they help a great deal, even if they feel a little awkward at first. Repeat the first name. “Nice to meet you, Jennifer.” You may think that you habitually do that, but our research indicates that less than 25 percent of people involved in introductions repeat the name. Train yourself to do it every time. Then hang on to the name long enough to introduce Jennifer to just one other person at the event. Focus initially on remembering the first name only, using the “divide and conquer” principle. Ask for the last name. “And your last name was..?” or “Tell me your last name again” or “And your last name is Allsgood?” The person will repeat her last name, “Yes, it’s Allsgood.” By asking for the last name separately, we encourage people to separate their first and last names and say them clearly, instead of running them together as people so often do. Ask a question or make a comment about the person’s name. For example: “Do you like to be called Jenny or Jennifer?” Or “Allsgood. Nice name. Sounds optimistic.” Teach your name now Notice that you have not yet said your own name. You can do three things to help teach someone your name. Give ‘em a double dip. Say your first name twice. “I’m Bob. Bob Shafer.” Separate and articulate. Pause between your first and last names. “I’m Bob. Bob (pause) Shafer.” Make your name memorable. Say something about your name to help the other person remember it. Spelling can help, because we learn best when we can see letters in our mind’s eye. Of course, it depends on your name. Nancy Mann might say, for example: “It’s: Mann with two n’s. I’m the only woman in real estate law in Kansas City who’s a Mann.” I can’t believe I forgot my lawyer’s name! Let’s face it. We all know a lot of people and it’s easy to forget someone’s name. But let’s not stand around mutually beating ourselves up with a duet of “I’m so bad with names” and “Oh, no, I’m much worse.” This low-energy start has no place to go but down. Try these options instead: WALK UP to the person, stick out your hand and say your name. You’re banking on ritual. The other person will most likely do the same. IF YOU RECALL where the two of you met or something you talked about, refer to it. That way, you acknowledge that your prior meeting was memorable: “I remember we talked about the seminar you attended. I’m Todd Watson.” Since you have offered your name, the other person will usually follow your cue. ASK A FRIEND FOR HELP. “Jerry, I know I’ve met the man over there with the red tie. Remind me of his name.” DON’T WORRY ABOUT IT. Often the person’s name will occur to you as the conversation goes along. Try these tips also Ask the person to spell his or her name. “Is that Carl with a C or a K?” If the person is wearing a nametag, you still may comment on the spelling. “I see that you spell Marsha with an S.” Ask how he or she got the name. “Do you know why you were named Savannah? Was it for the city?” Continue to use the other person’s name as the conversation moves along. For example: “Are you a new member, Fred?” Look for a personal connection. For example: “My college roommate’s name was Adam.” Or “Nice to meet you, Harriet. Was your name mentioned as one of the new board members?” Always say the name again as you leave to reinforce your learning. “Good to meet you, Rhoda.” Do not assume that a person with a foreign-sounding name is not a native-born American. When Ying Chie introduces herself, she is often asked, “Where are you from?” She replies, with some irritation, “San Francisco.” If you’ve joined a group and one person is quickly introducing the others, just smile and say hello. Then go back to each individual and introduce yourself one-on-one, using the new system. —Adapted from the authors’ book “Make Your Contacts Count” (Second Edition, Amacom). Used with permission. All rights reserved. www.amacombooks.org. See We Recommend. Front Page Feature | Interchange | Research Review | Elder Issues | Parenting On the Job | We Recommend | A Healthy You | Home

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