Work & Family Life | Front Page Feature

Making the most of changes in our lives

“Let’s spend a little time getting to know each other before we get started on the new project.”

ransitions are part of our daily lives as we go from place to place and from one activity to another. As we travel from home to work and back again, we shift roles. We become employees, parents to our kids, grandparents, children to our parents, friends, neighbors and volunteers in our community.

It’s not always easy adjusting to our different roles—like the high-powered executive who couldn’t “manage” to get his three year old into the bathtub. But, for the most part, we take our changing roles in stride.

Major transitions are another story, however. Getting married, having a child, changing jobs, moving or taking on elder care responsibilities may require giving up some familiar things and taking on new challenges.

How we respond makes a big difference

“Homecoming—a welcomed transition for this happy family!

People respond to transitions and change very differently, based on our personality, temperament, age and stage in life, family situation, the resources available to us and the degree of support we enjoy. The magnitude of the change makes a difference too—as well as whether we initiated it or it was thrust on us.

And although change is unsettling and often stressful, it can also be energizing and can open us up to new opportunities. Whatever the case, there are some common threads in many people’s responses to a big change in their lives.

Don’t be surprised if you or others around you do things that seem out of character during a major transition. For example, if you’re moving, a well-organized person may become a procrastinator while someone who’s more laid-back may start making endless lists. Or a normally “take charge” person might withdraw and avoid dealing with the change or even deny that it’s happening.

Here are some suggestions that can be helpful in dealing with transitions and life-changing events.

Does this sound familiar?

Occupational psychiatrist Barrie S. Greiff offers these “common reactions to change.” Do any of them sound familiar to you?

Not us. Convincing yourself that change won’t happen to you, your family, or the company or organization for which you work.

Not me. Expecting everybody but yourself to do the changing.

Paying lip service. Talking a good game but acting exactly as you did before.

Sabotage. Doing everything you can think of, from undermining or deflecting the change to actively resisting it.

Path of least resistance. Going with the flow. Accepting the change but making as little as possible adjustment to it.

Anticipation. Figuring out how to deal with a change you can see coming. Planning an approach to a particular problem or learning a new skill to make you more in demand in the future.

Adaptation. Adjusting your behavior to cope with change. Being realistic. Evaluating how the change has affected your circumstances and deciding what actions are called for.

Take care of yourself. A major change, even one that is welcomed, takes time to sort out. Give yourself a break. Try not to let the change you’re experiencing become the entire focus of your life. Eat well, exercise—and don’t give up the activities you really enjoy.

Learn from your experience. Ask yourself: “What’s really important to me and my family? Would I like to change how I spend my time or how I approach my work? Is this an opportunity to improve the balance and quality of my life?” Be reflective. Keep a journal or take notes. Recognize that your feelings are important and now is a good time to write them down.

Look for the humor. No matter what you’re going through, there’s always room for laughter. A sense of humor will raise your spirits and help you keep things in perspective.

Talk to your family. Keep everyone on the same page. Remind them that, difficult as this may be, you will get through it. Present a united front with your spouse.

Look for positive aspects of your situation. In her new book, The First 30 Days (see We Recommend), Ariane de Bonvoisin says the first few days and weeks of any major transition are often the hardest, the most emotional and the most important to understand.

It’s a critical time when you need to let other people in to share your struggle or be part of your new-found happiness. One of the best ways to embrace change, de Bonvoisin suggests, is to surround yourself with a team: family members and positive-thinking colleagues and friends who will support, inspire and motivate you in some way.

Helping families cope in tough economic times

e are all affected by the current economic situation. It’s a time of uncertainty—and no one knows for sure what the future will bring.

DON’T UNDERESTIMATE what your children already know or think they know. They’ve seen the news on TV and the Internet, overheard conversations, and they may have friends whose parents are out of work or are making serious cutbacks in their spending.

IF YOU LOST YOUR JOB or anticipate losing it, be truthful in an age-appropriate way. You might talk to an older child about how companies decide which employees they will keep and which ones they will let go. For a younger child, a simple, straightforward explanation is enough.

ON THE PLUS SIDE, this can be an opportunity to teach some life lessons: for one, that we can’t always get our way or have everything we want. Children can also learn about budgeting, saving and cooperation between family members. Through ups and downs, says psychologist Susan Newman, Ph.D., we should try to:

STAY CALM. How we react to problems is important. Kids will follow their parents’ lead. Avoid angry outbursts, hushed conversations and fights over money. Set a good example: watch how you spend.

STRIVE FOR NORMALCY. Keep your routines intact: family dinners, homework, reading together, baths and bedtimes. Let kids know it’s OK to be happy.

DON’T BLAME YOURSELF. Children from 11 to 15 are most likely to assume it was your fault if you lost your job. Let them express how they feel, but emphasize that Mom or Dad didn’t do anything wrong.

DON’T ASSUME THE WORST. Avoid speculating around kids about bad things that may not happen. Wait until you are sure the situation is a reality.

EXPECT SOME SELFISHNESS. Teenagers especially may express anger because they didn’t get something they wanted or may have been promised. Remind them that other families are going through even harder times.

ENLIST HELP. Explain that “we’re in this together” and everyone needs to help in cutting costs. You might be surprised by kids’ good suggestions for ways to save the family’s money. Encourage older children to find ways to make some money themselves.

REASSURE KIDS THAT THEY ARE SAFE, no matter what changes come your way. Offer more hugs and kisses—and let your children know that what’s going on now will not last forever.

www.workandfamilylife.com