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Confident
parenting in a changing world |
re you a post-boomer parent? Pssst, you are—if you
were born after 1964 and your crucial elementary, pre-teen and adolescent
years were from the 1970’s on. During the late seventies and
early eighties, a torrent of family and social change took place—moms
working, overscheduled lives, divorce, the growth of exurbia, new
technologies and globalization.Many parents of children and teens today were part of the first generation to be shaped by this shifting social scene, which exploded in the 1990’s. And its cumulative effect is now shaping the lives of our kids and our relationships with them. The “free-est“ generation What have these changes led to? In many ways, children and teenagers today are, for better and worse, kids who know no bounds. That’s why I’ve come to think of them as the “free-est” generation. They have an all-access pass to the infinite reach of the Internet. They’re exposed to sex and violence at ever earlier ages. Mobile phones, texting and online networks afford them endless freedom to socialize. They participate day and night in a kind of instantaneous connection with friends that’s even more intense than that of their post-boomer parents with their cell phones and Blackberries. The power of a child’s family at home has been overshadowed by the force of a “second family,” the peer group and the pop culture “out there.” But, at the same time, kids are more open with their parents and with each other than in previous generations. Rather than being at war with one’s elders, as was often the case with boomers, today’s parents and children generally understand each other, talk to each other and feel close in values and spirit.
A new parenting approach As post-boomers, we are well-suited to understanding the world of kids and teens today. We were raised in a similar era and we “get it.” But we lack the certitude of earlier generations. We grew up in freer social times and don’t want to “squelch our kids” as we ourselves may have felt squelched. We may not grasp how much our children need us, however, because we’re also misled in part by how articulate they are. Whatever the reason, parental advice has become an increasingly rare commodity for just about everyone, regardless of socioeconomic status. And our kids feel parents’ lack of guidance as lack of caring. Longitudinal research has shown that clear, authoritative (not authoritarian) parental expectations and guidance are not just preferable, they are necessary. The Johnson Institute in Minneapolis, which followed tens of thousands of kids, found that “children of all ages need clear guidance and absolute rules to safeguard them from impulsive behavior.” Their data show that children need to know what you believe might happen due to their behavior. They need life-wisdom advice because, as the new wave of biological research and high-tech imaging has shown, the part of the brain that controls executive functioning (the ability to plan ahead, exercise restraint, anticipate consequences and organize) isn’t fully developed until the age of 25. Clearly, kids of all ages need engagement through common sense as well as unapologetic direction from adults who are not afraid to say what they believe out of love and concern. And this is possible because, unlike children of previous eras, the “free-est” generation accepts adult opinion as an expression of love. Advice must be offered wisely though, and in a manner that fits kids’ expectations of being listened to, of being able to express their own views, and in a manner that matches their idiosyncratic temperament. Six steps to loving advice  STEP
1. Do you know your child’s
learning style? Understanding how a child learns—and
that one’s “learning temperament” does not change
much with age—increases the chance that your opinion will
actually get through and be felt as love, rather than a reprimand
or boring lecture.For example, if your child is temperamentally fearful and “thrown” by new situations and challenges, you’ll want to offer your opinion gradually, in a step-by-step fashion. STEP
2. Say exactly what you
think. Convey your values and your insights as clearly
as you can. Growing up, you learned a lot of personal, painful and
productive lessons—and you have a great deal to teach your
kids. Today, parental clarity about problematic behavior is actually welcomed by children. Bear in mind that, in most situations, you are not putting ideas into kids’ heads. Whatever it is, they have already heard it at school or seen it online and on television many times before. STEP
3. Leave room for feedback.
Kids of all ages feel entitled to disagree with you as if they were
guests on a TV panel show, and some parents find this infuriating.
Try not to interpret their “push-back” as a sign of
disrespect. It’s just another characteristic of the free-wheeling,
“free-est” generation.Even younger children expect to be given their turn to speak (when we’re not annoyed by this, we’re impressed). And once the door is opened, it’s almost always surprising to parents how much kids will be willing to talk about “dicey” matters. STEP
4. Can you repeat what
I just said? Re-state what you believe and why. Even
if you just said it, with children’s normally scattered attention
span, they can’t be counted on to still have it in their heads
a few minutes later. Repeat your position crisply and clearly. Listen long but keep your explanations short.Your kids need to understand why you believe they should not be picking on someone else, why it matters to be polite and why you won’t tolerate them going to an unsupervised house. But there’s no audience out there for long lectures or complex points. STEP
5. The power of impotence.
Having made your expectations clear, listened to your child’s
thoughts and briefly re-stated your beliefs and rationale, it’s
time to admit your inability, even impotence, to control kids’
behavior. It’s important to say, “I can’t control you. In the end, it’s basically your choice.” Older children already know how easily they can go against our commands, and they feel a certain amount of anxiety about our ignorance. They are actually reassured to hear that we’re aware of this reality. I cringe when parents tell me their kids “tell us everything” and “we know exactly what’s going on.” They are in for rude, rude shocks. Acknowledging limitations is a powerful way to guide and to help children of all ages feel understood and, by extension, genuinely loved. Being realistic, especially on the part of parents who would prefer to micro-manage every moment (giving the illusion of control), is true power that kids welcome and respect. STEP
6. Now for the consequences.
Finally, you need to say—in your own words,
from your own values and using your own life experience as a guide—something
along the lines of: “If you decide against what I expect,
here is what will happen.” You need to articulate how your
child may get hurt or hurt others, as well as the consequences that
you will enforce. This is where almost all of us boomer and post-boomer parents have trouble. Try to keep in mind that consequences help kids to feel that we mean what we say and say what we mean. They help distracted kids remember when it’s so easy to forget. They help children feel connected to us across the divide of our harried lives—to feel “held” by the adults around them. The concept of consequences is not a slam-dunk, in part because the notion of limits has changed so much for the “free-est” generation. We will explore why and how to set limits on children’s behavior on the Parenting page of the next issue of Work & Family Life. 
—Adapted from Dr. Taffel’s new book “Childhood Unbound: Saving Our Kids’ Best Selves—Confident Parenting in a World of Change” (Free Press). See We Recommend.
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