April 2009  Welcoming a new brother or sister “I like the way you’re holding your new brother so carefully!” By Vicki Lansky ntil now, your firstborn had you all to herself. So you’re probably not too surprised to find that she is resentful and jealous of the new baby. But you may not have expected her to be angry, and you may be taken aback by the many unacceptable ways she is finding to express hostility and get your attention. It’s important to have realistic expectations, and you should expect your child’s reaction to having a new baby sister or brother to be ambivalent—sometimes angry, other times sweet and loving. How children show their anger Ages two and a half and younger. The younger your child, the more capable he or she is of venting anger directly at the baby, so be watchful. The toddler may unintentionally handle the baby awkwardly. Be sure to distinguish between this and a deliberate attempt to cause pain. In any case, don’t leave a toddler or any young child in a room alone with a baby. Three year olds. A child this age may respond by being angry at the baby and angry at you as well. Or kids may internalize their anger but take it out on the baby, with too-hard pats and squeezes and surreptitious pinches. If an older sibling returns to babyish habits, don’t punish this behavior. You may even indulge it occasionally by changing the older child’s clothes on the changing table or serving juice or water in a bottle. To instill gentle behavior Teach gentleness to an older child by encouraging loving behavior with a pet, doll or stuffed animal. Use a doll to show how to hold a baby, supporting the back and neck. Have your child care for a doll while you care for the baby. Reinforce gentle behavior. Say, “I like the way you hold your baby brother so carefully,” or “hold her hand gently—that’s right.” Be gentle yourself, with both children. Your example will be the best teacher. Talk about the new baby as a person. Don’t always say “the baby.” Use the baby’s name or say ”your brother” or “your sister” and describe his or her wants and needs: “Ryan is tired and ready for his nap.“ Adopt some house rules Follow some basic rules to ensure the physical safety of the baby but, at the same time, try not to be overprotective. State plainly that it’s OK to be angry at you or the baby, but it’s not OK to hit or kick either of you. Say, “We don’t hurt anyone, no matter how we feel. I don’t let anyone hurt you, and I won’t let anyone hurt your sister.” Teach kids to use words to express anger. Have a child start a sentence with “I’m mad at you because...” and then talk about any angry feelings. Stay calm. When your child is venting anger, remember that it’s better for negative feelings to come out than stay hidden. Encourage running and jumping outdoors to work off pent-up anger. Allow the older sibling to use stuffed animals to snarl at and throw around. Four or five year olds. At this age kids may feel rejected and unloved, but they operate on a more sophisticated level of awareness. Typical behaviors include demanding that you watch and admire their activities and lavishing affection on Dad while Mom is focused on the baby. Warning signs: consistently avoiding or ignoring the baby, being unable to show the baby any affection, being overtly aggressive toward the baby, or behaving in a caring manner but experiencing nightmares and/ or difficulty sleeping. An older sibling’s place and space Once your infant becomes mobile, you’ll need to protect your older child’s possessions and “space” and, just as important, his or her place in the family. Here are some suggestions: Don’t make a big issue out of sharing. The concept of ownership and sharing is beyond the understanding of a child under three. Give positive reinforcement to children as they show small signs of learning how to share. Don’t assume that jealousy is gone when overt signs disappear. Your older child will always notice when you focus a lot of attention on the baby. Explain to your older child that the baby or toddler means no harm but doesn’t understand the importance of not touching playthings that don’t belong to him or her. Provide a secure closing box or a “higher up” drawer to help an older child protect precious items. Be sensitive about passing down the older child’s possessions to the baby. Some kids feel threatened by this and will try to protect their status by reclaiming an unused blanket or toy. Allow a toddler to enjoy some sense of control over the baby’s play. An older child will feel proud and grown-up if you ask him to choose some toys from his collection that the baby can play with. De-emphasize the older child’s role as mother’s helper after the first few months. Support and encourage the older child’s achievements that have nothing to do with the baby. Spend time alone with the older child. It will make a big difference. —Vicki Lansky is the author of many books on parenting including “Welcoming Your Second Baby” (Book Peddlers) from which this article was adapted. See www.practicalparenting.com. Front Page Feature | Interchange | Research Review | Elder Issues | Parenting On the Job | We Recommend | A Healthy You | Home

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